Look at her...super cute right.
Sure.
Yes, i LOVE my daughter. Totally. Freakin'. Love. Her. I think she's prettier than, smarter than, awesomer than your kid, hands down. However, me...that's the person in question.
When she was born, I experienced, I don't know if it was post pardum or just w.t.f. How the, what the hell did I do to get this baby. I was exhausted. Home with her all the time. My boobs didn't work. It was a lot. And so I took to the blogsphere, as I do typically when I'm trying to work out a moment in life.
I started writing. I wrote an anonymous blog for a while talking about how almost angry I was at myself for being a bad mother (of then maybe a two week old) because I felt so under qualified. I felt good mothers were born, some were made and I was neither. I felt confused, bitter, stuck, resentful...and found a community of other women who felt the same way. There are literally 1000's of blogs named herbadmother.com (one of my favs) or something else where women talk about all the ups and downs they have with these babies.
Today, or lately, I have been feeling that way again. Scared, confused, bitter, resentful, tired...the list goes on. Now, I'm the mother of a 2 year old and I think I should have way better qualifications and experience than the crying sappy mess of a mom I was when she was 1 month old...however, I'm not. If I could produce tears (the one month mark of her birth was the last time I can remember being able to cry...sad right), I would cry. I'm not sure if the sleep deprivation, mixed with my emotional state, mixed with life has just put me in a place like...what the hell again.
She talks to me and I'm like...wow, that's not that interesting but its cute you think I'm interested. She wants to be around me every second of the day when I'd rather be somewhere else. That's bad right. Yes...I guess if you think of the image painted for moms and what you hear from every other mom that "motherhood is THE MOST rewarding experience of my life" and the "I can't wait to get home and see my snugglebuns". And I'm like, actually...naps are the most rewarding experience of my life...or the time when I didn't need Ambien or Advil PM to help me go sleep since my hormones are all off...or the time I could just look right down at my female parts without having to lift other stuff over and away....
I miss me. Not mom me. Just me. It sounds selfish and call me a bad mother, that's fine. I've been calling myself that since she was born. I just miss the autonomy of not having the responsibility of another person. Of being able to make decisions that only affected me and not the collective. Of not having to worry about my language, or the music I listen to in the car, or if I wear my brown contacts are too confusing. I miss me.
Of course me...gave me her. And again, she's awesome. But sometimes I wish I could have her and me at the same time. But so far, we haven't been able to coexist. She wins, as well as she should. And me is just waiting in the background for her to go off to college and maybe, there will be some more of me left over. Hopefully I will still remember the me and after a little shining up, I will still be relevant.
Until then, I'll be her bad mother, and she'll be my awesome daughter. And we will have to make due with what we got.
OMGosh. Ms. B, this goes to show that behind a smiling face exist the reality of the life. Our mothers, grandmothers and so forth had to have felt this way in some point of time. When you become a parent you no longer have the free will to do whatever you want to do without considering your child first. But it takes a bold woman to decide to become a mother. One of the greatest positions on each is being a mother. Does anyone truly understand how a woman has to morph into this cord binding relationship without losing herself or pretending that she's not losing herself? Only a mother knows how often she is on the brinks of shutting down and totally giving up. But we need mothers. So whether you consider yourself to be a less than perfect mother or not, I bet in your daughters and husband's eyes, you are the best. We all are learning to be a better whatever or whomever we believe we are and that's about the best we can do. In my opinion...you will be more relevant if you do your best to groom Ms. K into a productive citizen and young lady.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the encouragement Anonymous...God knew what he was doing when he created a woman.
ReplyDeleteB -- this spoke to me! I can relate as well as every other mom on the planet also lol! I think the way you (and I) are feeling is the norm not the exception. Its nice to hear someone tell the realities of parenthood. That's not to diminish the awesome experience that is motherhood or to say that we don't love our children with all our hearts, but sometimes, often times, most of the time -- I miss me! I miss being able to devote hours to experimenting with Cleo (my natural hair), I miss going to dinner or a club wih friends, I miss having friends lol, I miss being able to have a lazy day and not have a baby tethered to my boob or hip all the time. I miss SLEEP, uninterrupted, peaceful sleep. I miss not having to be a parent to both my child and my husband who depends on me for everything baby related. I miss being able to do my own damn thing whenever I want. Thanks so much for speaking my mind.
ReplyDelete- Monique